Is it normal not to feel an instant bond with my baby?

Papa felt responsibility before love

Papa eventually said the quiet part out loud: he felt responsible for Ari and would do anything she needed, but he had not yet felt the huge rush of love everyone talks about. That came later.

Saying it felt uncomfortable. It also made the feeling much less frightening. An instant bond is not the only way a bond begins.

NICU made bonding harder

When your baby is behind plastic and somebody else controls when you can hold or feed her, ordinary bonding is interrupted. You can love the idea of your baby and still feel strangely separate from the actual tiny person in front of you.

Skin-to-skin helped when the NICU allowed it. So did asking to take part in the small jobs instead of waiting silently beside the incubator.

The feeling grew through doing

For Papa, feeding Ari, carrying her, learning her preferences and getting up at night created familiarity. The bond and the love grew inside those ordinary jobs. There was no single film-scene moment.

If the distance comes with ongoing low mood, numbness, hopelessness, anger, withdrawing or thoughts of harm, tell a doctor. Fathers can experience postnatal depression too, and asking for help does not make the bond less real.